Two years ago today...

I remember waking up and texting Ronny "It's going to be a good day today."  I don't know why I felt that way.  Probably because he had been frustrated the night before.  He was in his car but couldn't find his keys.  I told him they had to be there since he drove there.  He was tired, he wanted to go to sleep but kept asking if I thought he was safe there.  He was in Woodinville, which was odd since he never really went there.  He said he was parked up past our old apartments. I said he was fine there.  We hung up and I didn't hear from him the rest of the night.  Most people might think that normal, but my son would call me in the middle of the night all the time.  When I sent that text in the morning I knew he wouldn't be awake but I think I was just trying to give him a positive outlook for the day.  He never received the text.  His phone wasn't working because his dad hadn't paid the bill.  That started the chain of events.  I've replayed everything in my head so many times.  Thinking "I should have told him this" or "I should have told him that".  But I can't change what happened.

I use to wake up in the middle of the night almost every night and replay it in my head.  Until last year....Ronny told Gretchen and Leila "Remember my life, not my death."  I think that was for me.  After that I was able to stop the constant replay.  Ronny didn't want me doing that.  It still pops in my head from time to time, but not all the time.

I listened to some of your rap songs today son (while I walked, because I know you wanted me to be healthy).  I miss you.  I miss your hugs and calling me mom.  I miss driving around with you listening to music and you singing to me.  You are always in my heart.  Remember...you are a piece of me. I use to always tell you that. Love you forever.