What do you enjoy doing?

                         "What do you enjoy doing?"              "What are your hobbies?"

These are very common questions.  I can't even count how many times I've been asked these questions in my almost 50 years of life.  Honestly...I don't know.  I enjoy history...but what good does that do me?  I enjoy travelling...but other than enjoyment, I really can't do anything with this.  

They say find something you are passionate about and work that into a way of life.  But I don't know how to do that. 

Am I really passionate about anything?   

I don't really have any talents.  

I love music, but I'm not musical.  Can't sing...can't play an instrument.  

I'm not athletic.  Not into hiking or climbing.  Have no desire for dangerous things.

If I don't have any passions, does that mean I'm passionless?  Does this make me a dull person?

Wait!  I have one skill...quoting movie lines.  Hmm...where can I go with this?  haha  

Once again...no where.

Ghosts and stuff

Do you believe in ghosts?  I have always been fascinated by ghosts and mythical creatures.  I don't know why.  I blame Scooby Doo.  :)

But seriously, as a Christian we believe our spirit goes to Heaven (or Hell) and that's it.  But I have this...what if in my head.  What if your spirit doesn't go towards the light and you get lost in this weird in-between?  Is this possible?  I guess we could never truly know.  Maybe what if Hell is being stuck reliving your life but not really being there?  I don't know.

My ex-husband and Ronny's father believes Ronny hasn't moved on because of him.  He said he's heard him and seen him in his house and he said others have as well.  He's in such a bad place in his life.  I don't believe Ronny is stuck, but I think Tom is trying to keep him here because of his guilt.  Ronny appeared to me once in a dream.  And he just kept smiling at me, which those that know him know that was not a common thing in the last year of his life.  So I believe he is at peace.  Why else would he just calmly smile at me.

One person said to me any ghostly activity is demonic.  I don't believe this.  I think there is good and bad in everything.  There are angels.  The bible talks about them.  I believe in angels.

When I was in high school, my brothers, myself and my friend Donnell all got in a car accident.  We were driving up Butte Falls highway at 4 am after a church function in Medford.  We were all so tired and were all asleep...literally all of us.  My oldest brother Paul fell asleep at the wheel.  We always joked that we could drive that road in our sleep...well... it didn't work.  Paul was driving and Bill was in the front seat.  Donnell and I were asleep in the back seat without our seat belts.  When he fell asleep he hit the dirt on the side of the road which woke him up.  He overcorrected several times and we slammed into a deep ditch.  Two crazy things happen.  I woke up outside the car.  I remember walking towards the car barefoot on the rocks.  How did I get outside the car??  Also, right before we crashed, we passed a hitchhiker.  A hitchhiker??  On the road in the dark at 4am?  And those of us that grew up in Butte Falls, we knew everyone!  We have no idea who this person was!  He saw us crash.  He then stopped a log truck coming up the hill and went to midway market to call 911 from the pay phone.  I am convinced this person was an angel.  He was there to help us.  As it was, even with his help the ambulance took 45 mins.  My brother Bill was hurt the most.  He had to have surgery and they removed his spleen.  My friend Donnell flew between the seats and her head was by Paul's knee.  She received a large cut on her head (not sure from what).  Paul had a large bruise on his chest from the seat belt.  I had a bruised heel and a small cut on my head.  But my sweater was covered in burrs.  What?  How did that happen?  Did I fall out?  How was I not hurt more?   Anyway, even though Bill was hurt bad, I do believe this could have been a lot worse.  Angels were looking out for us.

Nevada to Connecticut

My wonderful best friend and her husband opened her home to me and I was so grateful.  After talking with her and my family, I decided to take this down time from work to do some traveling.  My cousin Jennifer lives in Connecticut and I always wanted to visit that area so I decided to drive.

I left Elko, Nevada on Monday, March 8th and set off for Loveland, Colorado to visit my friends from my last job.  I made such good friendships, that place was at least good for that.  :)

My travel buddy, Bigfoot

I stayed 2 nights in Loveland (had to stay for Taco Tuesday) and said my goodbyes.

On March 10th I left Loveland, Colorado heading for Stamford, Connecticut.  I had already mapped out what cities I would stop and stay the night.  Most of my days were 10 hours of driving, so there wasn't much time to stop and see sights.

I drove through Kansas.  My first time in the state and while it was flat, there was some beauty to the farmlands and ranches.  Didn't stop other than for gas and bathroom breaks.  Hit a toll road near the end and luckily the nice man in the booth told me the tolls south were cash only so I stopped after that to get some moola.

My first stop to stay the night was Tulsa, Oklahoma.  I stayed on the east side.  So I saw the city skyline from the freeway (it was dark).  I stayed at a newer Holiday Inn.  It was clean and nice.  I slept fine and was out the next morning with a quick snack and coffee from their free breakfast.  :)

My cousin, Jennifer, had requested I stop by Bentonville, Arkansas to pick up a couple boxes of books that her daughter had left.  So I altered my trip about an hour so I could do this for her.  Not a big deal.

Once the boxes were picked up, I got back on the road and heading to Nashville, Tennessee.  Arkansas was actually a pretty state.  Lots of wooded areas.  Of course, I'm sure it would have been prettier if the trees were in bloom, as many look like leafy trees.

I couldn't just go through Memphis without stopping.  There is just so much history there.  I also crossed the Mississippi River.  How exciting for this west coast girl!  I decided to go see the studio that Elvis first recorded in and then off to his statue.  His statue was right next to the street of Blues which looked like a lot of fun, but I didn't have time to visit.  So back on the road for me.

Nashville was another few hours away, so I reached it after dark.  After two days of long driving, I just didn't have it in me to explore that night.  But lucky for me the bar/restaurant at the Holiday Inn had live music!! Now...it was country, but I still tried to enjoy it.  :)  Once again, a nice clean Holiday Inn but didn't find the free breakfast so bought a latte and muffin before heading out for my next day of driving.

Day 3 was Nashville to Gettysburg, PA.  I was so excited about this leg of the trip.  Tennessee is a very pretty state and I stopped in Knoxville to see a place that I had been following on Facebook because it was owned by Boyds.  The little old town of Knoxville was so cute!  I loved it!  Once again, wished I could spend more time, but had another long day of driving.

This drive took me through Virginia and Maryland before getting into Gettysburg which is just over the border of Pennsylvania.  I drove over a one car covered bridge!  Of course it was dark and I was in it before I realized what it was.  :)  Got into Gettysburg after 8pm, and went straight to my Bed and Breakfast.  Met a nice couple from New Jersey on the porch.  They gave me some great information on Gettysburg.  Since I had been driving for 10 hours I decided to walk around the town a bit.  Stopped in a bar/restaurant and got a drink and appetizer.   Then back to my room to relax and sleep.  I turned on the TV and ironically there was a show on PBS about the African American history in the US and it was talking about the Civil War.  It was great watching it in such a historic place.

Got up the next morning.  Had an amazing breakfast!  That is the best thing about staying at a bed and breakfast.  :)  I got a driving map of the battlefield from the owner of the B&B.  Boy, I had no idea how big it was.  It was overwhelming.  Life and war was so different back then.  Felt surreal standing where the soldier once stood and died.

The last leg of my journey was much shorter.  Gettysburg to Stamford, Connecticut was just over 4 hours.  Didn't make any stops other than gas and food.  Met Jennifer at her apartment she was moving into.  The movers took forever...she has a lot of stuff.  :)  We spent the next three days taking trips to her old house and making sure everything was out.  

Now I'm just spending some time out here to see how I like it.

How did I get here?

Wow - It's been a long time since I wrote here.  It's hard to even think what I have been through in the last 5 years.  I'm not going to vomit it all out.  It will probably come out here and there, but was thinking I needed to get back to writing out my feelings.

On November 9, 2020, my son was killed.  People have told me I should go to a counselor, but I don't feel like it.  Ronny was my only child.  I miss him so much, but I know he is at peace now.  His life was very troubled the last few years.  I don't know how much was a mental health issue and how much was drugs.  Sometimes I felt like he had a demon inside him.  Hurts my heart so much.  I just wanted him to be happy and enjoy life, but he just couldn't seem to get there.  

When he was first gone, I probably cried many times a day.  It's been over 4 months now.  I can go a day or so without crying.  But I wake up almost every morning thinking about him and that day.  Wishing I had said something different, or this didn't happen.

Someone posted on facebook a description of grieving.  I found it very accurate.  They said think of it as a box with a small button on the inside.  When you are first grieving there is a huge ball inside the box so it hits the button all the time.  The button for me are tears.  As time goes by, the ball gets smaller.  It never really goes away, but since the ball is smaller it doesn't hit the button as often.

My dad passed away almost 3 years ago.  That ball has gotten smaller, but it still hits that button from time to time.  And of course really randomly sometimes.  

I'm trying to continue to enjoy life.  I was let go from my job, so decided to hit the road.  Need to find a new place.  Need to find new motivators.  It's hard, because my last job left such a bad taste in my mouth that I don't want to work.  Of course, that's not really an option, so I'm trying to find something that I will enjoy doing.

The tears have been flowing so I think I will stop for now.