Here I am again. Struggling to find peace and happiness. I've had many things running through my mind lately. Hoping that writing this out will help me.
1. I am feeling very jaded about people. I work in the hospitality industry and constantly deal with people bitching about stupid little things and expecting compensation. It's made me not trust people and always suspect people are being manipulative just to get things. I started thinking maybe I should do some volunteer work. Maybe this would make me feel better about myself and maybe help my thoughts? I've said many times that I need a change in work, but I really do like what I do and my coworkers. But I obviously need some other outlet. What do I really want to do???
2. Friends/Dating. I've tried online dating again recently. Unsuccessful again. I know men in this area tend to have a more introverted personality, but I'm starting to think it's me. I'm scared of getting to know someone again just to then be alone again. I'm scared of rejection. I'm scared I will never feel that spark again. I watched shows with couples that spend a lifetime together and then I see my parents and my grandparents before them and I'm so jealous of that closeness. I just want someone to love me for who I am and want to be with me.
3. My son struggles so much with happiness. Since I've never been a teenage boy I have no idea the thoughts that go through his head. I want so much to help him, but most of the time I don't understand him. He also shuts me out because I'm "mom" and not cool. I usually annoying him just being in the same room with him. He is going to a different school that will help him make up credits so he graduates on time. Unfortunately by doing that he is feeling the social pressure of going to "that school". Stupid kids making fun of him. He really hates that. I really hate that. I wish things were different for him, but unfortunately he made bad choices in the last few years and this is where we are at now. He also has a girlfriend. While I like her and in many ways think she is very good for him, they also seem to fight a lot. She doesn't have brothers, so sometimes I think she just doesn't know how to handle men. So she says and does things that just piss him off. Other times I think it's just him being a stupid teenage boy. Regardless, the drama stresses me out. I hate fighting. Have never understood couples that fight a lot.
4. Money... oh money. I have to say it would be so nice not to have to always worry about having enough money. But... I have to be thankful that I can live on my own and have nice things. Working the second job definitely has helped me make it every month. I need to write down my monthly expenses again and see if there is anyway I can make it better. I hate having the debt that I do. So now how to get myself out of this debt....
I know that no one is reading this, but this has been good. Now to try and work on these things. :)
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