Wow - It's been a long time since I wrote here. It's hard to even think what I have been through in the last 5 years. I'm not going to vomit it all out. It will probably come out here and there, but was thinking I needed to get back to writing out my feelings.
On November 9, 2020, my son was killed. People have told me I should go to a counselor, but I don't feel like it. Ronny was my only child. I miss him so much, but I know he is at peace now. His life was very troubled the last few years. I don't know how much was a mental health issue and how much was drugs. Sometimes I felt like he had a demon inside him. Hurts my heart so much. I just wanted him to be happy and enjoy life, but he just couldn't seem to get there.
When he was first gone, I probably cried many times a day. It's been over 4 months now. I can go a day or so without crying. But I wake up almost every morning thinking about him and that day. Wishing I had said something different, or this didn't happen.
Someone posted on facebook a description of grieving. I found it very accurate. They said think of it as a box with a small button on the inside. When you are first grieving there is a huge ball inside the box so it hits the button all the time. The button for me are tears. As time goes by, the ball gets smaller. It never really goes away, but since the ball is smaller it doesn't hit the button as often.
My dad passed away almost 3 years ago. That ball has gotten smaller, but it still hits that button from time to time. And of course really randomly sometimes.
I'm trying to continue to enjoy life. I was let go from my job, so decided to hit the road. Need to find a new place. Need to find new motivators. It's hard, because my last job left such a bad taste in my mouth that I don't want to work. Of course, that's not really an option, so I'm trying to find something that I will enjoy doing.
The tears have been flowing so I think I will stop for now.
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